Parenting Paths
Parenting Paths
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 Parenting PathsNo matter who you are, there are many ways to parent. A parent is someone who conceives, gestates, births, raises an offspring. For a human, the offspring is usually a human child. Let's look at some of the ways.
You just do it. This is Voluntary Parenting*. Parenting by choice or intent. This is the main path of parenting. Mate. Birth. Parent. Grandparent. The well-trodden path. Unfortunately, our society really only approves of this Path.  Then there is Involuntary Parenting**. Some, despite contraception or abstinence, have parenthood thrust upon them. They may become parents before any thoughts of whether to parent or not are considered. They may be raped. They may still be so young. Fathers can be absent. Parents can be deadbeat. When humans choose not to have babies, it is called Voluntary Childlessness or Childfree. Despite strong socio-cultural pressures, there are various reasons why people choose this. One major reason more and more are choosing this path is due to the Climate and Ecological Emergency (CEE) - see here, here. Only
10% of childless women actively choose not to become mothers. Of the
other 90%, only 9% are childless for known medical reasons. (See The Guardian, posted 2 October 2017, accessed 6 September 2022)
Surely, almost whatever the reason***, their choice needs to be seen as natural, normal, worthy? It can lead to other Parenting paths - see parts 2, 3, 4 and 5. Then there is the tragedy**** of Involuntary Childlessness. There are many ways that this can happen. Perhaps most obvious - for women and men - is infertility. Whilst subfertility affects 20-30% of couples at least once in their lives. Surely we need to remove the social stigma associated with this? It can lead to other Parenting paths - see parts 2, 3, 4 and 5. These unusual paths surely need to be honoured and treasured? * Nature has placed incredibly strong impulses in its species, for their continuation. Human culture reinforces this by expecting young people to have their own kids, to produce grandchildren. So, for many, it is almost as if there is only one path. Mate and parent a human child. Any deviation from this well-trodden path is socially unacceptable. It is judged, even mocked. Even when this well-trodden path is welcomed, it can create many tensions, as it can conflict with other powerful paths. Personal paths like career and calling and sexual orientation can clash with biological parenting. Collective forces - highways if you like - can lock horns too. The Climate and Ecological Emergency (CEE) can make people resist the extremely strong urges to biologically parent. The Birth and Perinatal Emergency (BPE) can also make people unlikely or unable to reproduce. The biological clock of women and even men frames it all with a deadline. Even if this biological clock is partly invented for patriarchal (controlling women) and capitalist (profit) reasons. ** Involuntary Parenting can transform into the main path of Voluntary Parenting. The shock of pregnancy is overcome and the baby is welcomed. Or U-turn into Voluntary Childlessness. By human abortion. In humans, emotional and financial scarcity are the most common reasons to choose to abort, to halt the path of involuntary parenting. Humans may also choose to abort but not really that voluntarily. For example, due to the pressure of their family. They retain an ongoing conflict. They abort but wish they hadn't. Involuntary Parenting mutates into a sort of mix of both Voluntary and Involuntary Childlessness. *** For me, something like the Voluntary Human Extinction Movement is not a valid reason to choose Childlessness. To avoid environmental degradation, they want to stop reproduction and kill off all of humanity. But population is not the main driver of environmental disaster; rather it is certain systems that must die, like capitalism. So, instead, we need to birth new cultures, like a Culture of Love, a Solar Culture. **** Voluntary Parenting can crash into Involuntary Childlessness. As with miscarriage and stillbirth. Nature often aborts. This is usually due to genetic abnormality or environmental dangers.  Part 2 - Other Ways of Parenting Humans Alloparenting is the ancient path. This is caring for non-descendant children. The success of humans over hundreds of thousands of years was not due to nuclear families. Rather, humans have lived in small groups of up to ~150 people. Such a small community can be called a tribe or a village or an extended family. The support of this small community was essential for success. "It takes a village to raise a child." (African saying)
When children become orphaned, the tribe can almost seamlessly take over. Alloparenting should actually be the main Parenting Path. It allowed humans to be so successful. And you don't have to be fertile to be an Amazing Alloparent!! This is Attachment Parenting! This is Natural Family Living! "I
don’t like [the pressure] that people put on me, on
women—that you’ve failed yourself as a female because you
haven’t procreated. I don’t think it’s fair. You may
not have a child come out of your vagina, but that doesn’t mean
you aren’t mothering—dogs, friends, friends’
children." (Jennifer Aniston, interviewed in Allure [broken link, so see here, here], posted 2014, accessed 13 April 2015)
Fostering and Adoption are modern subpaths of Alloparenting. They occur in nations rather than in villages. In both, the care of a non-biological child is entrusted to an adult or adults. These adults may or may not have their own biological children. Fostering tends to be less permanent. Adoption is a permanent and legal change of status. The children may have been orphaned or removed from dangerous families for their own safety.  Part 3 - Other Parenting Paths I haven't heard of a human giving birth to other animals or aliens, so here we begin to look at more subtle or less-celebrated parenting paths! When people talk about parenting, they tend to mean the offspring of the human species, a biological genetic descendant, a son or daughter. But parenting can be seen as so much more. Anything creative is a parenting path. Artists 'parent' a book, a poem, a painting, a song. Creation is not limited to animals and artists. So we can create and parent a social media post, a doodle, any words, any act. Your thoughts and feelings are your children. So we are all on some parenting path!!  Part 4 - Pearl Parenting This is a dedicated parenting path for those without human children. It is deliberately bringing parental energy into your life's work. It is a beautiful project formulated by Unnur Arndísardóttir. She has written a book called Pearl Mothers. In her words (translated from Icelandic by Google, undated, accessed 1 December 2023): "Unnur
is infertile but has taken the title Mother of Pearl in order to
transform the energy and perception of infertility. Unnur encourages
barren and childless women to also take up the title with pride, and
prove to the world that women without children have an important and
healing role to play on Mother Earth."
More from Unnur (translated from Icelandic by Google, undated, accessed 1 December 2023): "Mother
of pearl is the mother of life, she is the mother of beauty and
brilliance. A woman who gives, creates and changes the world. She is
the mother of many pearls - but she cannot have children, or chooses
not to have children.
Women without children are Mothers of Pearl. We carry with us the characteristics and strength of the Mother - but we cannot give birth to children in the proper sense. Our "children" or Pearls, as I choose to call them, appear in the form of our artworks, our projects and all that we nourish and give life to. The mother of pearl is the shell that creates the space, affects its environment and leaves a color on the pearl itself. We Mother of Pearls bring our rainbow and magic to the world - we nourish, give life and enchant - it just doesn't show up in the form of a little baby."  Part 5 - Spiritual Parenting and Angles Some children know they will have no children. My first wife always knew she would have no children and to the best of my knowledge she has had none. Likewise with Unnur Arndísardóttir (see Part 4), who told her mother at age four she would have no children. I believe our lives have blueprints. There are certain events that almost certainly will happen. It then becomes about how we can transform these into something positive for us and the world. This is the Path of Pearl Parenting (see Part 4). Spiritual giants with no human children can be called 'Mother': Amma ("Mother of Millions"), Mother Teresa, Mother Meera. You can be a spiritual parent, if you like. "On
the pretext of protecting their independence and freedom, many people
refuse to participate in the collective life. Well, these people do not
realize to what extent they are actually limiting themselves. Like
children they move within the small circle of their feelings, their
desires, and their greed. What poverty, what misery! This limited state
is normal for a child, but not for an adult.
Adults must show that they are able to think of others: their family first, of course, but also their neighbours, friends, colleagues, and fellow citizens. And even then, this is limited. The circle must become wider and wider, to include country, race, the whole of humanity, and still further, to encompass the universe, infinity... Rare are those who have reached beyond all these limitations, whose desires, thoughts, and interests converge on the collective, universal aspect of life. It is in this direction that we must strive." (O.M. Aïvanhov) Collectively, we are faced with the Climate and Ecological Emergency. We humans have caused it. If you like, we are alloparents to Mother Nature. And we haven't been responsible. Yet indigenous people have been championing the conservation of Mother Earth for hundreds of thousands of years (see here, here, here). Not only do they practise alloparenting in their Village, but they also look after the Earth brilliantly. We modern humans need to do so too.  Part 6 - Parenting is a Path of Responsibility Whatever parenting path or paths you are on, surely responsibility is crucial? A parent has a very strong bond with their creation. An invisible cord links the parent and their creature. This applies to all your creations. You are morally responsible. If you spread hateful thoughts, feelings and words, one day there will be payback. Likewise with good intentions and kind words. You reap what you sow. This affects both you and your descendants, even your ancestors. As young people today sense the growing impacts of the climate emergency, it is understandable that they consider it irresponsible to inflict the apocalypse on their young. They often choose Voluntary Childlessness. Yet, you may choose to parent and maybe your child will help humans through this disaster.  Final Words We need to broaden our understanding of Parenting!! Parent like you live in a Village. Learn to parent so many good thoughts, feelings and actions. Above all, collectively we need to be wise and loving custodians of Earth and all its creatures.  Resources
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Also see:- Natural Family Living Attachment Parenting Preparing for Conception The Daring Adventure of Intimacy and Parenting Elite Forces Parenting |
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