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Violence & Sexual Frustration

In Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, one of the pyramid base needs is sex. The only thing is that men are not really educated about mating, attraction and connection. So men get frustrated and may become violent or else depressed. This is adapted from The Game by Neil Strauss, page 95:

"As anyone who regularly reads newspapers or true-crime books knows, a significant percentage of violent crime, from kidnappings to shooting sprees, is the result of the frustrated sexual impulses and desires of males. By socialising guys, the world is made a safer place."

Examples: here.

Society, education, parents, men are not clued up. It is amazing how dismal most men are, say the experts, when humanity has so much technological achievements. As a society, we are really letting down men, and consequently women, by not teaching men to attract and connect in ways that women want and which are also respectful. It is a lifelong journey of learning that needs to be prioritised. At the moment, it is sidelined, neglected. Men and women need to be supported and educated. 

Otherwise, when a guy is poor in attracting mates - when he does attract one - he may cling to her, which generates all sorts of weird power and control dynamics, whether expressed through money or violence or patriarchy. 

Even kindness can often be used by the man as another way to control. 'Niceness' is a kind of default method that men use to manipulate women. However, as Gavin de Becker in 'The Gift of Fear' points out, it is also used by predatory criminals. He muses that "we men can surely develop some approaches which are not steeped in deceit and manipulation". David DeAngelo equates this sort of manipulative niceness with 'wussiness', a sort of weak manliness which just turns women off. Clearly nastiness is not helpful either. What is the answer?

One way to bring world peace, to reduce the gender war, is to educate ourselves and our children in the mating game. Understanding the mating game is often not adequately handled by parents, nor by conventional education, nor in movies. We need not only 'outer game', but especially 'inner game'. 

Inner game allows authentic relating. It is more about connection after the initial attraction. It involves presence, appreciation and integrity. I link this to our human nature. For inner game, I highly recommend the Authentic Man Program

Outer game I link to our animal nature, and is about following the courtship ritual. All animals follow a mating script and humans are no exception. According to David DeAngelo, a prominent dating expert, women can verbalise all these steps if asked, but men have no idea they even exist, and are required in most cases to advance the process. In his eBook Bridges, he lists them as:  

1. Approach (Walking over and saying hello); 

2. Digits (Getting a phone number, email address, etc.); 

3. Date request (This can actually be done when you first meet); 

4. Date (The actual time with her); 

5. Hold hands (The first sustained physical contact); 

6. Kiss (The first 'intimate' contact); 

7. Alone in private (Trust); 

8. Make out (Sexually aroused); 

9. Clothes off (Very sexually aroused); 

10. Sex (Very very very sexually aroused!).

For education in outer game, there are many possibilities, but some that I have found useful for men are:- 

  • Susan Bratton & Personal Life Media (tons of free articles, audio). She says here (accessed 4/1/2014): "People don’t really get GOOD at sex until their 50s or 60s and you can have a hot sex life until the day you pass on. Sex is one of the most nurturing and healthy experiences you can have. So notice yourself becoming more confident and orgasmic as you move toward co-created bliss together." It would be great if humans could start becoming great at sex and authentic relating much younger!
  • David DeAngelo (subscribing to his email list brings much free advice). 
  • Carlos Xuma

Angelic Game For the sake of completeness, as I've talked about the animal and human, I'll also mention the angelic. The aspect of love connected to our angelic nature is not relevant for sex. I have no personal experience of this and I don't think it is essential for humanity now, as otherwise there would be no babies! I have a webpage about this here


This page emphasises the need for men to learn about attraction ('outer game') and connection ('inner game').

Currently, this page only focuses on men's sexual frustration.



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